A lot of my peers are constantly scouting the job market. They insist that it’s always a good time to be on the look out, whether you want a job or not. Tell us how some of the ads you’ve seen compare to these upsetting finds. They’re absolutely crazy, but do they have an air of truth to them?

Associate Professor of Design - Tenure Track
University of Platt > Platt, NE
The College of Design at the University of Platt-Nebraska invites nominations and applications for the position of Associate Professor of Design for those interested in an isolated environment far away from any real design activity that pays well. Despite the meager design climate in Platt, you will have summers off and thanks to the internet be able to telecommute with clients on either coast that will pay five times what you’d get in our small town for designing church flyers and bumper stickers.

Business Development - Computer Products
Raydiatron Products, LLC > Beijing, PR of China
Assumes responsibility for the efficient and effective systematic operation of Raydiatron’s business development concepts and sales activities evaluation in the consumer products business segment of Beijing. Because of the critical importance of design and product development excellence to the firm’s success, the leadership performance of this position will have a major impact on the company’s performance and reputation in the industry. Do a good job and everything will be peachy. Must have presence, credibility, and be able to effectively engage clients who think they know more than you and probably do.

Cybercamps Counselor
Cartif’s Gigantor Campus of the Rocky Mountains > Boulder, CO
Fluent in Illustrator? Have a knack for using PhotoShop? Able to put up with 7-16 year olds, who will be a general nuisance? Located in residence at the Pine Whiteman School, Cartif’s Gigantor Campus of the Rocky Mountains is a nationally recognized summer digital school and festival. The ideal applicant has experience working with troubled youth and is prepared for handling fights, settling arguments, settling students down, and getting these homicidal head cases to use a mouse as a computer input device instead of a bludgeoning device. Must have first aid certification and high tolerance for pain.

Digital Painter
Ootico* Ltd. > Phoenix, AZ
We complete wire removal and digital masking for some of Hollywood’s top studios. Must have tenacity for sitting in front of a Trinitron for 10-20 hours. Please include your medical history, name of primary care physician, or current insurance carrier’s point of contact with all submitted resumes to info@ootico-asterisk.com. If we discover that you have a bony bum or back problems, your application will be disqualified. Outside of this screening process, applicants must (1) know how to use a mouse (2) withstand loud music played for 8 hours a day (3) know how to ask “Can we change the station, please?” if you hate the music being played, and be able to back it up with action. Artist or artsy types need not apply. We do not discriminate based on acne or super hero allegiances. Bring your portfolio of oddball Net links. Benefits Package: we have a large stock of ephedrine, Hasbro action figures, and Fisher Price board games, but bring your own Xbox controller. Experience: Knowledge of PhotoShop, QuickTime Pro, Final Cut Pro, DVD Authoring Studio, and microwave oven.

Experience / Exhibit Designer
Griffon & Associates > St. Louis, MI
Skills Sought: 3-5 years experience as an exhibit designer that understands the experience of experiencing exhibits with 5+ years experience or exhibition of design. Candidates should illustrate experience in all phases of design experience and demonstrate experience with strong conceptual skills in moving beyond 2D experiences and into the experiential roles of exhibition and experience design. Should have excellent experience communicating complex ideas in a clear and meaningful way without experiencing difficulty. Experience: yes.

Footwear Designer
Axiodis Inc. > Wayne, NJ
Seeking a highly motivated and creative individual to join our dynamic design team. Our company designs and manufactures athletic footwear for men, women, and children under several popular American name brands: Nike, Adidas, Avia, Puma, Converse, Roos, New Balance, Pony, Saucony, and any other hot labels you can copy for us to sell in China.

Graphic Designer - Juvenile Furniture
Plybtzco LLC > Canada, Ontario
Plybtzco Ltd (www. plybtzco-toys.com)—known for the “Farty Party” and “Flying Pigglies” products—is recognized as one of North America’s fastest growing company that doesn’t take itself too seriously. We need help raising our furniture through these awkward years and into adulthood. Proven ability to create a unique image that sells stressed, discomforted, and generally premature chairs / sofas.

Human Resources Agent - Animation Studio
Las Vegas, NV
Responsibilities include: keeping our hourly staff from taking 3 hour lunch breaks while they log 1 into their time cards; instilling creativity with a bowling ball, loaf of bread, and pencil (or other combination of heavy, soft, and sharp objects); discrimination; treating employees who come from a broken home like they come from a home; and creating fresh ideas for casual Fridays when the temperature reaches 120�. Education: Bachelor’s degree preferred, but if you have a good understanding of human beings and are a good listener, we’ll waive the degree requirement. Special consideration given to those with human and resources experience as opposed to only resources experience. Must be proficient with slang words and other jargon used by our staff of males age 17-28 and 33-45 who act like they’re 9-16.

Industrial Designer
Ω Prime, Inc. > Chicago, IL
Industrial Designers needed for long-term contract positions in Chicago and Rockville, IL. Must have 3+ years of experience with wire bundles and modification plus a proven track record of making parts for planes that stay off the ground when flying and on the ground when landed. Remote control enthusiasts need not apply.

New Business Development
Sam Rockwell, LLC > Hackensack, NJ
New business is good and the money earned from it is even better because it goes into your pocket as commission. Prior experience necessary and if you don’t earn your keep in the first month, you’ll lose the company car and have to walk to all sales meetings until you earn us some dough. This job does have a high degree of telephone usage, when you’ll frequently endure “Sorry, I’m not interested,” “No thanks, I’m eating right now,” “Wrong number,” or “Sawy, I na wtspeeko Indglitsch,” without hanging up on leads. Immediate opportunities are available for experienced candidates who know how to get money, give it to us, and chart the results on a convex graph with as little chart junk as possible. PowerPoint expertise a plus. Other responsibilities include losing at golf, tipping big, dressing well, and delivering a solid handshake with agreeable breath.

Project Architect
Boink-ID™ Design > New York, NY
Seasoned CAD guru to lead production of CDs for a NYC exhibit design firm. Experience organizing and coordinating large sets of information delivered at random by the egoists needing it visualized. Must have a familiarity with Modernist and Post-Modernist principles and possess a diverse wardrobe to match each. Experience: visualizing large septic tanks, prisons, and torture devices using autocad. Additional information: new hire will receive our trademark black on black uniform.

Research Associate
Trade Magazine Development, Inc. > Cincinnati, OH
Marginally successful trade magazine seeks a research associate to analyze human page turning methods. This is a temporary position that will provide you with a string of warts, sores, and paper cuts if you do not follow our mandatory rubber glove rule. Exceptional career path and compensation. Non-smokers preferred! We prefer applicants with clean hands that have a proven track record of neither sucking their fingers nor biting their nails. Capability to locate precise information in a lengthy publication. Some will be without page numbers, while others incorporate a 6 to 8pt-numbering system. All eye exams and eyewear prescriptions are included in a hefty benefits package.

Senior Researcher
Trade Magazine Development, Inc. > Cincinnati, OH
Marginally successful trade magazine seeks a Senior Researcher to analyze human page turning methods. Exceptional career path with health and dental plan. Applicants should have turned a minimum of 716, 253 pages in their lifetime. If you fall below that page count, please see our other ad posted here.

Toy Designer
Plybtzco LLC > Canada, Ontario
Plybtzco Ltd (www. plybtzco-toys.com)—known for the “Farty Party” and “Flying Pigglies” products—is recognized as one of North America’s fastest growing company that doesn’t take itself too seriously. We are an innovative and entrepreneurial designer, marketer, and distributor of entertainment and lifestyle products ranked among the top 10 toy companies internationally, although you may not have heard of us. (If you have any new ideas for a name, we’ll humor them.) Required Experience and Skills: 10+ years of playing with yourself or others; hands-on experience with various toys and games; and willingness to travel to Asia as required. Competitive salary and all the free toys you can handle.

Web & Print Design Internship
The Frugal > Jackson, TN
Our name says it all. We have no money and that means you won’t get paid for your hard labor. Still, our quarterly that’s published January, April, July, and October will give you plenty of experience. What we are looking for: ability to work long hours with little sleep through the months of January, April, July, and October; willingness to meet quarterly demands without having a grand mal seizure from sleep deprivation; and your promise not to sue us when carpal tunnel syndrome sets in. We supply wrist braces and ibuprofen. This Internship will give you a notch in your resume, carving the path for a real job when you decide that you’ve given us enough free labor.