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Please excuse this little diversion off of our typical content:
This week both Coudal and Daring Fireball have compiled their Top Ten Westerns of all Time. Their selections display an expected sense of cinephile sophistication that cements their street cred as arbiters of cool.
Rather than try to one-up their selections I’m going to one-down them. Herewith, then, are the Top Ten Worst Westerns. Observations inside.
Comments are open.
07.20.2011
10. Wagons East
I don’t remember this being bad or good. But it makes the list for, sadly, being the movie in which John Candy passed away during filming.
9. City Slickers 2 – The Legend of Curly’s Gold
Yeah, not really a Western per se, but the moment I see people with cowboy hats riding horses and acting weird I just assume it’s a Western. The first City Slickers was okay, the second wasn’t.
8. The Villain
I had no idea this existed but, get this, it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger when he was, like, 12 years old. And it’s rated PG. It can’t be good.
7. Back to the Future Part III
The first was awesome, the second one was cool because of the utopian idea of having a sports almanac from the future that could make you rich, but the third? The ugly duckling of an otherwise groovy trilogy.
6. Bad Girls
Cute girls. Sucky movie.
5. Bandidas
Super hot girls. Sucky movie.
4. Young Guns II
Semi hot guys. Sucky sequel. Yeah, there was Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” that topped the charts, but no self-respecting Western-lover would be caught, dead or alive (get it?!), singing, humming, or even thinking it.
3. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
The last installment of Robert Rodriguez’s Mariachi trilogy. Loved the grittiness of the budgetless original. Loved the homage of the second one with Banders and Hayek. Never got around to seeing the third one. By choice.
2. Wild Wild West
Um: Will Smith. Western. No, thank you. It also stars Salma Hayek. Note to Hollywood: Want a good Western? Skip Hayek.
1. Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights
Oh Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. His pony tail was long that it started in the first movie and it ended in the sequel.
Everybody knows that BTTF 2 was the ugly duckling, part 3 was a perfectly serviceable western. "Heaven's Gate" anyone?
on 07.20.2011 at 05:57 PM
You left out one of the best "worst" westerns...
How can you compete with rollerskating while playing a violin?
I humbly nominate "Heaven's Gate" as the WWOAT (Worst Western Of All Time)
on 07.20.2011 at 05:59 PM
> Never got around to seeing the third one.
In that case, I'll have to call shenanigans.
I've seen it. It certainly wasn't all that good, but it also wasn't Bottom Ten bad.
on 07.20.2011 at 05:59 PM
HA! Jamie beat me to it!
on 07.20.2011 at 05:59 PM
Back To The Future 3? Young Guns 2?
Come on!
Young Guns 2 is actually really well done (if not very historically accurate) and features a lot more respect for the setting than 90% of the dross released as Westerns in the 40s-60s
BttF3 is a western setting, but it's not really a western. It's a fantasty comedy.
on 07.20.2011 at 06:09 PM
Salma Hayek is in three of the top 10 worst westerns? Amazing.
On a separate note: I haven't seen it but from the trailers I was expecting Cowboys vs Aliens.
on 07.20.2011 at 06:25 PM
"Want a good Western? Skip Hayek."
The exception to the rule may be Desperado, the uncrappy Once Upon a Time in Mexcio.
on 07.20.2011 at 06:27 PM
Are you kidding me? BTTF3 is freaking awesome!
on 07.20.2011 at 06:27 PM
Without Big Money Rustlas, all lists of worst westerns are woefully inadequate.
on 07.20.2011 at 06:35 PM
I had the great misfortune to see "The Villain" on VHS in about 1980, and it's not as bad as it appears at first blush. It's much, much worse.
Schwarzenegger's accent is so thick as to be unintelligible, and EVERYTHING about this film is horrifically, embarrassingly terrible; story, dialog, acting, editing, you name it, "The Villain" dragged it to new lows. In fact the best performance was by Kirk Douglas's horse, Whiskey.
This has my vote as one of the worst films of all time, not just Westerns, and it belongs in the Hall of Shame alongside the legendary "Plan 9 From Outer Space".
on 07.20.2011 at 06:58 PM
Kevin Smith has an interesting story that gives some background on the spider from Wild Wild West.
Warning.. The language is a little NSFW.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgYhLIThTvk
on 07.20.2011 at 07:08 PM
+1 on Jody Chen's comments re: The Villian. Stupefyingly bad. They actually reused an old Bugs Bunny gag: Kirk Douglas painted a fake tunnel entrance on a wall, to catch Arnie's stagecoach. Of course, the coach goes right into the non-existent tunnel. Kirk goes running after it only to run into the rock wall and fall down. Hilarity ensues. Not.
I'm sad that I remember that. :(
on 07.20.2011 at 07:29 PM
There's clearly 2 of these you're nailing without ever having seen, and probably more than 2. Pretty lame.
on 07.20.2011 at 07:52 PM
Dick is right. Nothing is worse than Heaven's Gate. My wife and are among the thousand or so who actually saw it in the theaters in its initial release. It was truly awful. Any movie full of subtitled Polish dialog that's mostly people saying $#!^ and =@$&....
on 07.20.2011 at 07:55 PM
I saw The Villain in the theaters when it came out. I must have been 12 or 13 years old. It was the first movie I ever walked out on.
on 07.20.2011 at 07:56 PM
Any list of this title without "Valdez is Coming" is simply misguided.
on 07.20.2011 at 08:47 PM
The Villain is only bad until you realize it is a live-action series of Coyote vs Road Runner gags - with Kirk Douglas as the coyote, and Ahnold on a wagon as the Road Runner...
Once you realize that, its amazing to watch Kirk Douglas running into the previously-mentioned painted tunnel on a rock wall, being flattened under a rolling boulder, etc.
Kirk Douglas & Ann Margaret must have had a blast camping it up in this thing, while Ahnold does his "dim bulb" schtick.
on 07.20.2011 at 08:58 PM
Back to the Future 3 and Once Upon a Time in Mexico are both fantastic. The former was a wonderfully daring departure from the first two films, and the latter, well, you haven't even seen.
Smells like troll bait to me.
on 07.20.2011 at 09:16 PM
Here's my list:
10. Renegade
9. Texas Rangers
8. Lightning Jack
7. Bad Girls
6. From dusk till dawn 3
5. Jonah Hex
4. Wild Wild West
3. Wagons East
2. Even Cowgirls get the blues
1. BloodRayne: Deliverance
(say good night, mister Boll)
on 07.20.2011 at 09:55 PM
What a sorry list. You haven't even watched Once Upon A Time In Mexico. I have, and it's a good film. This is just lame.
on 07.20.2011 at 10:41 PM
Hmmm. Five of those choices are movies I've seen and enjoyed. By my standards, that means I would probably enjoy the other five.
I do hope there is consistency in your judging: I don't care if a critic agrees with my taste or not, I just care if you're consistant. If you always hate movies I like I'm perfectly happy using your recommendations to pick and choose what to watch. In this case I would just go with the opposite of what you like. I wonder if Netflix has Young Guns II.... ?
on 07.20.2011 at 10:53 PM
What? No 'Montana Trap' with Hardy Kruger, where he plays a character charmingly called 'Potato Fritz'? An absolute classic in the bad film catalogue. It's up there with 'Challenge to Be Free' with Mike Mazurki.
Both of these I saw on long (by UK standards) bus trips, and believe me they made the journey muuuuuuuuuuuch longer.
on 07.21.2011 at 03:25 AM
I'm with Mikiev here, The Villain is a lot of fun, *providing* you realise it's a live action Road Runner cartoon.
on 07.21.2011 at 04:16 AM
Once Upon a Time in Mexico is not as good as the first two in the trilogy, but it isn't so bad it belongs up there.
on 07.21.2011 at 07:52 AM
Not in my defense but just to keep things in check: I'm not a movie critic, my credentials are as valid or invalid as anyone else commenting here, and this is a 30-minute response top ten worst list. On a design blog. It's lighthearted and my whole approach was to select movies that were Westerns but that they just weren't meant to be Westerns: I mean, Big Willy in a Western? C'mon.
Yes, some of the movies here are more or less good, but they meet some kind of incredulity factor.
Re: Movies I haven't seen.
The Villain: I really don't need to watch it to now that the thing is wretched. I judge a book by the cover much, yes.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I'll give. Probably a bad call.
It's okay, the internet will go on.
on 07.21.2011 at 08:52 AM
The Jackie Chan movies are both funny and fun, though totally slight. There is no way that these are the worst of all time.
on 07.21.2011 at 10:27 AM
I don't know anyone who thinks of Back to the Future II as anything other than "that terrible movie necessary to link the good parts of the trilogy - I and III".
on 07.21.2011 at 11:05 AM
Hmmm, Selma Hayek is in 3/10 of those movies. What does that tell us about her casting choices (or the author's tastes)?
on 07.21.2011 at 11:27 AM
Very poor show;
literally half your list is formed of films that are not actually Westerns - they are comedies that happen to be set in the old west.
additionally two of your list you admit to not even having watched.
while you note this is a "diversion off of our typical content" - the lack of sense, honesty and thought in this does not imply good thigs about your actual typical content
(i'm joining in you see; judging it without having actually looked at it!)
on 07.22.2011 at 04:16 AM
thank you
on 09.18.2011 at 09:35 PM
you are so nice to post such a wonderful post.
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